Don’t Look Upon My Hideous State in Pity
“Don’t look upon my hideous state in pity.
I am more than my sores and my pain.
I have incredible value, not evident by my covering.”
Morgellons Journal 12-25-2010
I thought 12-25-2010 was my death day. It was Christmas Day. I was alone on Christmas Day for the very first time in my entire life. It was the first time I was without my husband of 22 years, as we were going through a horrible divorce. This was the first Christmas without my children. The court order gave the kids to their dad this Christmas.
I laid in my bed wheezing and feverish, so incredibly weak that I could not feed myself. My face was continuously peeling, raw and sweat. Huge holes opened under each ear and drained. My skin crawled, itched and stung, insatiably. My limbs would kick and jolt involuntarily. I had been poisoned by mercury.
A week prior, I had a common dental procedure done to remove 2 root canals. They were to be pulled, so no chance of mercury fumes (when mercury amalgam is warmed or ground upon we are exposed to 10 times the legal limit of mercury exposure*.) Unfortunately, my root canals did not pop out. They had to be ground, sawed and drilled to come out. I was not suited with a mask or vacuum to protect me from mercury fumes. Neither was the dentist. He was so pale and sweaty and I went home.
Crawling sensations began in my face, a few hours later. The dentist told me it was a reaction to my pain-killer. But, a week later, I was laying in bed in this horrid state and too weak to care. Maybe I was delusional, but I think not. This is how death comes sometimes, like a thousand wet wool army blankets on top of you and your face, during the worst flu you’ve every had.
All of my life I was a “doer”. I was in control and I made the most of my life. My life for better or for worse was in my hands, or so I thought, until this fateful day and very moment. How could I let go of my children. That was my only thought, as I talked to God. I was calm though, so strangely calm and put them in His care. I put my life in His hands. He knew my will, but this time He had the final say. Maybe now I believe, He always has the final say.
As I talked to my Maker, I was so completely aware of the human condition, frailty and imperfection and of our lack of power over death or life, in this condition. I actually chuckled, with tears rolling down my face, at the silliness of “my power”. Yes, I could will, wish, hope and desire, but I was aware that my body may just fail. Under this duress, my body may just have had enough.
Vanity, crept in for a moment and I thought “Oh God! If I die and am found in this condition, people who have known my former self, will be stunned! I look horrid!!, covered in sores, peeling face, swollen eyes and disheveled hair. How will I let them know that I am not a crazy lady, that died of a broken heart, penniless and alone. Then I penned the words above, in my diary, Christmas day 2010 and fell asleep.
I woke up the next day and for 2 months suffered severe effects of the mercury poisoning, but every day was better than Christmas Day. I never associated having my root canals removed, with mercury poisoning, until a few years later. While intensely reading up on the effects of Mercury Amalgam in preparation to write for my Morgellons Central blog and studying to get my facts straight, it hit me!!! The symptoms I was reading were my own. And my gift Christmas day 2010? More days to live. Selah ~
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